Motherhood is a mystical experience. You have bouts of joy one second and in the other you will find yourself recluse! One day you are bright as a sunshine while on other you may be gloomy as a dark cloud. And who else than female hormones are to be blamed for it? Yes, most of our sanity is lost during the journey of motherhood coz of these damn hormones! The boss of these emotional bouts being GUILT!
I think as soon as a woman delivers a baby, a guilty gene gets embedded in her DNA which expresses itself time and again. The mommas are epitome of guilt. Guilt of not doing enough for the baby. Guilt of being selfish at times by taking a 10minute nap. Guilt of forgetting to give almonds to baby in the morning. Guilt of not being able to play with him due to household chores. And to top it Guilt when the baby hurts himself accidentally. It’s a guilty world and we have to thrive in it.
Day before yesterday, I put my wriggly baby on the bed and turned to the closet to take out his nappy. In a jiffy, I turned back with a loud shriek only to find him wailing on the floor! Yes, he fell from the bed again.. it was the third time in last 6months. Why does it happen only when I am around? Why can’t I keep an eye on him? Why didn’t I cling him upon me while taking out the nappy? Why am I so careless? All these umpteen whys flashed across my mind while I quickly bent to take him into my lap. I tried to console him ,kiss him but all in vain. My husband, my mother-in-law and brother-in-law all came into room hearing to my shriek.
My baby is a sensitive child as in whenever he hurts himself, he turns his face away from the person in whose presence the accident happened as if he is blaming the person for not taking care of him. He is only 7months old and I don’t know how to teach him that he should not blame the person or circumstances in which the accident occurred. May be I will figure it out with time! On seeing rest of the family members, my baby just wanted to leave me and jumped towards his Dadi (GrandMom). She took him away and tried to soothe him. I wanted to breastfeed him so that may be it will soothe him and I can be close to him but my MIL suggested to prepare the formula instead, citing the reason “wo abhi tumhare pas bilkul nahi aaega” (he won’t come to you at all right now). I was holding myself till then but now just burst into tears. I blamed myself, cursed myself. I cried in agony with an unknown fear that one day my child will no longer want me. His needs are catered to by his Dadi well and thus one day I will be nowhere in his life.
I am currently on child care leave and in two months I have to resume my office. Just the thought of leaving him and going to office gave me shivers. Guilt just wreaked havoc in my heart!
All this while my husband sat near me holding my hand consoling me and I cried my heart out in front of him. After half an hour he brought the baby into my room. I was scared to hold him and looked at him with my wet guilty eyes. My baby had forgotten his pain and he just jumped towards me. He smiled at me and I burst into tears out of joy. Oh! these tears…They have to come out every time whether I am angry or sad or happy… They are the only means of conveying my thoughts.
As a mother I wonder what is the best way to overcome this guilt phenomenon which we encounter on daily basis. How can we convince ourselves that we are doing a great job and a bit of imperfection just adds to the beauty of motherhood? Our babies love us as much as we do then why do we become unsure at times?
Time is a great teacher and motherhood is all about learning! I just hope that I muster courage to overcome my guilty gene and give my baby all that is good for him. I wish I, together with my baby, learn these life lessons of rising and falling, winning and losing, laughing and crying and learn to gracefully accept all that life has to offer!
Do share your guilt moments and how did you overcome them.